Do Not Be Discouraged

I had been in recovery for alcoholism in A.A. for years before I came to D.A., and I was a member of a couple of other fellowships as well. D.A. was the last of my twelve step programs, probably because jobs and money were such scary issues for me. My thinking has never been too straight around may money stuff, but I was reluctant to share about it in A.A. meetings.

I maintained this economic reticence for years, in spite of the fact that: getting along with people in the work environment, the issues of low self-esteem affected by the way I live, dress, the car I drive, these are indeed "core issues." Finally, after one more time of being beaten by my own diseased thinking, and one more incident where I felt" kicked around by my money stuff", I reluctantly showed up at a D.A. meeting ten years ago. My thoughts just prior to walking in that door were, "Oh God, not another program", but I was desperate enough not to try to go it alone anymore.

Naturally, as is the case with so many veterans of other fellowships who cralw into D.A., I was pleasantly surprised and relieved. The people I found in the D.A. Fellowship were wonderful and helpful (and just as crazy as I was around the same situations). And I could talk openly about money stuff, naming names, mentioning figures, talking about the problem and listening for the solutions. D.A. has been great for me for the past decade. I've made tow major reallocations based directly on P.R.G. suggestions, and so far I've always been taken care of. Sometimes it's been scary, but I have survived. I have endured, and I still hope someday to prosper. Someday. It hasn't happened yet.

Yes, I admit, I am not a D.A. poster boy for success. However, one of my favorite program folk sayings, which I heard early on, was: "Turning around my money life is like turning around the Titanic or an aircraft carrier. Its going to be a long slow turn". That has proved so true for me. Often I've watched other members of the D.A. fellowship recover in earning and even move toward their visions, as I seemed to suffer one false start after another. Well, that just hasn't been my path, and sometimes, I confess, I do suffer from jealously or feeling sorry for myself. But it's another program, slogan: "Don't compare your insides to other people's outsides." The great recovery for me has been in recovery from fear around financial insecurity and money. I know this to be true because I had recently been fired once again in recovery. I lost a job that I can't say was a dream job, but it was a reasonable "solvency job" or "B-job" as some people call it, and I was giving it my best shot—another blow, another disappointment. But, to my surprise, I took it in stride fairly well. After a few days of licking my wounds, a modicum of self-pity, and a dish of resentment, it came to me where I was remiss in my performance. I realized I had tried to cut a few corners as I adjusted to my new challenges, and I had fallen short in my performance. I forgive myself, absorbed the lesson, let go of any resentment against my previous employer, and I moved on. I moved on in the program way, too—I immediately scheduled a P.R.G.

I am a chronic underearner. Early on in the recovery in D.A., I had gotten my compulsive spending under control with sane spending plans. My recovery now is all about earning. What I look for in my P.R.G.s these days is an ACTION PLAN! What I have learned in program is that I will be taken care of as long as I'm willing to earn (is unemployment earning?). So I applied for unemployment, and started into action as recommended by my P.R.G. And what was the immediate result of D.A. Actions even after getting canned from a job? NO FEAR! (As the fashion logo says). My P.R.G. people gave me some suggestions and one of the first is always to show willingness to work. I accepted a couple of per-diem gig offers, and started with the resume process. I have other actions to do regarding possible future training for a "solvency job" more in line with my personality. I have no idea what will come of all this footwork, but I know I will be OK. Lack of fear is more important than lack of want, as the literature suggests. It's about attitude more than anything. And nothing brings right attitude better than right action. As the Big Book says, "DO NOT BE DISCOURAGED!". Keep on trudging, even if you're a slow learner and false starter like myself.

—R. T. F.